I think I’ve cried 10 times trying to make this post and changed it 10 times more. 

My New Year's resolution is to start recovering from my eating disorder. 

Tomorrow I’m leaving for Seattle, where my new bed is for the next 4-8 weeks. It’s honestly embarrassing and incredibly hard to talk about. I’ve tried so many times but have never been fully dedicated. I’ve tried to convince myself it’s not that bad while being unable to keep food down or enjoy food-centered gatherings. But time and time again, I think of that little girl, pulling her smile wide, wondering why I wouldn’t eat yesterday. Of that girl who was praised for her healthy habits while losing consciousness on her dorm room floor. So this time I’m surrendering. This time I have a team of dietitians and therapists guiding me. This time I’m leaving and mourning the death of the body I’ve chased that chased me back. And I’m scared to death.

I’m telling you now because there will be eating disorder (ED/AN) content on my page going forward. There will be posts related to my recovery. If this isn’t supportive to you or your relationship with food, please unfollow. I absolutely do not want any harm done. I just know how alone I’ve felt, with no one I thought represented my journey. So I wanted to share my recovery experience in case it might help even one person.

I’m gonna make it up to that goofy little girl. And I’m gonna find that smile, even if I have to pull it. 

See you in a month or two,